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| The Embers Online Magazine |
| CHASTITY IN THE CITY by Chastity Frustration |
Over that years I have found love (or what appeared to be love) in several different people. I have talked about my friends and how I love each one of them. I have a family that I love through the thick and thin of different changes in life. Then I have found love that brings the pleasure of life to all new meanings. My first love Part Two I decided to have the talk with him when I got home from work. I knew he was still unpacking and he would be up late. The day dragged on and I thought it would never end. When I got to the apartment, I found him sitting on the couch. I sat in a chair across from him and stared into nowhere for almost thirty minutes. I got up and headed for the kitchen, fixed two drinks and heading back to the living room. I handed him the drink and sat back down. The room felt very small at this point and I could barely breathe. I didn’t know what to say. How do you tell someone you love them more than the air you breathe, you look forward to seeing them more than seeing the sunrise and set? As the ice hit the bottom of my glass, I didn’t seem to care anymore about the questions. I needed to just say it. So I did. "Ok" was his reply Ok! Does this boy know any other thing besides ok? Shit! "Ok? I went to the kitchen and fixed another cocktail. "Ok?" I need another drink. "Ok?" What does that mean? "Ok?" I spun on my heel and headed back to the living room. I didn’t even get all the way into the living room and blurted out my question. "What in the hell do you mean. OK" He smiled and just looked at me. Then tuned on the radio and sang along with the music. OK. I just let it rest. I did not want to push it despite the fact it was diving me nuts. I soon found we never had to talk about my feelings ever again. Our friendship was stronger then what words could say. The days moved by fast and I just enjoyed everyday as it was. We became inseparable. The emotional relationship was more than enough. He would come home late at night after a long day. Sit at his keyboard piano and play for hours. I would wake up to the sound of the front door opening and fall back to sleep with the sound of piano music. Our days off would be spent enjoying each other’s company. We would take small day trips to the beach and then he would fall asleep in the passenger seat on the way home. I would just look over at him and be content hearing the softness of his breathing. I knew he had become very comfortable with me when he started to play mean games. He would come home from work and strip to a thong. He would prance around the house dancing to music or just sit on the couch. I would just gaze at him with desire. He would just look at me and ask. "So you want this?" Then start laughing as he danced for me. I was amused in so many ways. His body was even better than I had imagined in the beginning and when he started to go to the gym it became more firm and his natural tone become more defined. He would make cracks about how he had to look good for me, because I was the only one who was seeing it. His 21st birthday was in the month of January. We celebrated at a friend’s house because he knew I could not go to the bars yet. My birthday was not until March and we agreed we would go to the bars for my birthday. This is when I realized my life did revolve around him. I did love him. I was not sure how this was going to continue. I had become sexually involved with a guy that I had met at the all ages club. Again I found that the relationship was only for sex. I was in love with my roommate more than anything. After his 21st birthday, he started to go out more. He met a young lady that seemed to spark something in him that I had never been able to do. I wanted to be the one who sparked that flame. I was torn and did not know how to handle the new found pain. I only wanted to make him happy. For the first time he seemed truly happy and I could not be the one to take that from him. As their relationship grew stronger, I became jealous. She was beautiful and kind, but most of all a woman. They would go out almost every night and he would not return until late in the morning. He knew how I was feeling, I assumed. He never talked about her much and he never brought her over to the house. I never gave him any reason for not talking to me about her. I wanted him to be happy. In the later part of the spring I had decided to move back to Salem because he wanted to move in with this girl. I was beside myself. I loved him, but I had to let go. About a month after I moved, I got a phone call. It was him. My heart seemed to stop beating and I just wanted to hear him speak. He asked me to come up and see him. He needed to speak with me badly. I agreed and quickly drove to Portland. I arrived at his work, the place that I met him at. Memories of the first time he walked in the door flashed though my mind. I could not wait to see him. My body trembled with such joy that I could not speak. I entered the building and to my shock he had shaved his head. All the beautiful hair was gone. He looked pale and un-kept. He appeared almost weak and lost. All the joy he had was gone. He stepped out from behind the counter and told me to follow him. We walk outside to my car, where I just leaned against it to support my shocked body. He lit a cigarette and stared into nowhere, whereas I could say nothing. He then started talking about "her". She told him that she was married and pregnant. She knew that he was the father because she had not had sex with her husband for some time. She wanted him to pay for a divorce and then marry her. If not he would never see his baby. He started to cry. Simple tears fell down his face. I had never seen him cry and it broke my heart. Lifting his head, looking straight into my eyes, the world seemed to become silent and the words he spoke to me would be frozen in my mind forever. "You have loved me more than anyone ever has. I wish I could love you the way you love me. I am so sorry. I have to say goodbye." These words would be the last words I would ever hear him speak and this would be the last time I would ever see him, and I still see the tears running down his face falling to the ground. He turned and walked away before I could say or do anything. If he had only known I loved him for him and nothing more. I learned if you love someone so much, you sometimes just have to let them go just to make them happy. |
| My First Love part two |
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